"An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." -Ghandi
I heard this quote today and it really made me think. Sometimes, revenge seems like a better solution than forgiveness, but is it really the best way to go? If we spend all of our time trying to plot the perfect revenge on someone, we get so caught up in it, that we are blind to some of the most beautiful, simple moments in our lives. We shouldn't let our lives pass us by, just because someone done us wrong and it caused us great pain and suffering. You have to let go of what's bitter and simply just move on.
This is exactly what I plan to do. I am going to let go of the bitterness I feel towards Autumn's biological father Josh and move on. After Josh walked out on us, I used to blame myself for him not coming to see Autumn, but I've come to realize, that he is the only one who controls his actions and he doesn't come see Autumn by his own choice. It is a conscious decision he makes everyday of his life.
After I made this realization, I became bitter towards Josh. In my mind, I wondered how in the world someone could just give up on their child and choose not to see them or to not pay their child support. That money would go to a better life for Autumn, not to benefit me. On the rare occasion that I did see Josh, I would ask him these questions and he always had some kind of lame excuse. Like he was too busy or he was too fucked up right now to visit Autumn and he was always to poor to pay his child support or help with the tons of credit card debt he left me with, even though he made twice as much as I did in a month. Go figure, right?
Finally, after months of being bitter and trying to understand how someone could just abandon their child, I came to a peace with it. Josh doesn't come see Autumn by his own choice. He doesn't attempt to pay his child support by his own choice. If he isn't willing to step it up and do these things for Autumn his own daughter, then there sure isn't anything I can say that is going to change it. He has to want to be dad. No one can just make him.
I hope one day that Josh realizes his mistakes and sees what he lost. He lost the chance to be a dad to a fantastic little girl, because Autumn has a new daddy now. Martin has stepped into the father figure shoes very well. Autumn calls him daddy and Martin treats her and loves her like she was his own.
Every time I think about this situation, I think of some words of wisdom my cosmetology instructor Mrs. Halmick gave me after Josh walked out on us. She told me, "Don't ever think someone else can't love your child." It was as if she knew that I would meet someone who would love my child just like she was their own. I now have my happy little family.
