Selfish

A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's.
Richard Whately


I don't like to acknowledge it, but I am a selfish person. I sometimes over look other peoples needs and focus on my own. Like my husband for example. Sometimes I take for granted his caring and nurturing personality and I trample on it with my selfish behavior. I love my husband very much, but sometimes I forget to stop and take into consideration his feelings and for that I am very sorry. He means the world to me and I would never purposely want him to feel bad or that his thoughts or feelings were ignored and not important.

Martin is an amazing person and I thank God everyday that he wants to be with me and puts up with my sometimes selfish ways. I think we are a perfect match for each other and I want to make sure that I am doing my part in the marriage. Since I am Martin's partner in life, I am partially responsible for his happiness. He deserves to be happy and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he is.

My goal for the future is to improve this quality about myself. I want to work on becoming less selfish and putting other peoples needs and feelings before my own. Learning to think before I get angry and speak will do me a lot of good. I know it will be difficult at first, but I think eventually I can overcome it and make my life better.

Being a mom...

Martin, Autumn, Hunter and I


Hunter Dean Baldwin 7lbs. 6oz. 21 and a half inches long


When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. ~Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty



Since today is Mother's day, I thought I would blog about being a mother and how it has changed my life. Now, I am the last person that I would have ever thought would have had kids. I am impatient and selfish and would have never really considered myself nurturing or maternal.

I had Autumn at the age of 19. A little younger than what I ever thought I would have had kids if I had any, but none the less I became a mother at 19. The moment I held her I changed. I know people probably say that a lot, but for me it was true. It was hard to understand how you could love someone so much that you just met.

I've loved every minute of mothering Autumn. It's so full of surprises and rewards. Her and me have been through a lot together at this point and a lot of it I wouldn't have made it through if I hadn't have had her there by my side. She has loved me unconditionally even though I haven't been perfect or made every right decision. She is my sunshine and always will be.

Three weeks ago, Martin and I were proud to add our handsome son Hunter Dean to our family. He is adorable and we are all so proud of him already. I can't wait to see what he has in store for us!

Being a mother is a lot of hard work and you don't get paid for it. It is stressful and sometimes it's super hard to make the right decisions. In everything I do though, my children come first. Everything I do I have to think about how it will effect them. All in all though, I wouldn't give back one stressful day or tear shed.

Getting ready for the future...

Hunter's 3d ultrasound at 22 weeks

Since the last time I posted, a major change happened in our lives. We moved! We are currently still moving, because the lease at our apartment isn't up until March 1st 2011, but we are now currently living in a nice, big, beautiful house! I have waited to move for so long, that I still come home to this amazing house and can't believe I live here. The challenging part now, is putting everything away. Hopefully within the next few weeks though, I will manage to get some kind of order going on here.

We also got one of those 3d ultrasounds done on Hunter right before Christmas. It was awesome! You could see all the details of Hunter's face and see what he was doing. He sucked his thumb, yawned, and stretched. It was all so amazing and adorable to watch. I am so glad that we had the opportunity to do something like that. We didn't have the money to do it with Autumn, because it is kind of pricey, but I recommend it to anyone who can afford it. It is a truly wonderful experience.

Speaking of Hunter, I am 14 weeks away from giving birth. I am really starting to get nervous, but I am also so excited for him to get here. I am just dreading another c-section. They are not the most pleasant things to experience, but I have to do what I have to do, to bring my little baby boy into the world. I am having a baby shower in about a month, so hopefully we get a lot of the stuff we need and don't already have, because there is so much that we still need.

On another note, I finally heard from child support. They finally put a wage garnishment on Josh's wages. So, I should have payment within the next month. It's about time they did something. I haven't ever received a child support payment and it has been a year since the order was enforced. I finally figured out where the deadbeat was working and called child support to let them know and it took awhile for them to verify he was working there and everything, but it will be worth it in the end, if I can get some financial support for Autumn. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to give Autumn any other kind of support, so the least he could do is financially help support her until he either signs over his rights or they are taken from him.

Otherwise though, work is going great and I am really starting to build up a clientele. In the last year, my paychecks have increased by 200 dollars and my tips have doubled and tripled. This is a great thing, because it makes me feel like an awesome stylist. The amount of money you make kind of determines how good of a stylist you are. Sure, you will have slow days and not make much, but overall if you are a good stylist in a good salon, you should be making some money!

So much is going on...

Hunter at 18 weeks
Martin and I


So much is going on in my life right now. Since I last updated, I have discovered I am pregnant. It's a boy and we are going to name him Hunter Dean Baldwin. His due date is April 25th, 2011. Martin and I are thrilled and Autumn is getting used to the idea of having a baby brother.

Our wedding was beautiful and I could not have hoped for it to have gone any better. I want to say thank you to all the wonderful, amazing people who helped make it special for Martin and I.

Autumn also started school in September. She loves it and is doing wonderful. Just about a week ago, I took Howie our Yorkie up to her school for show and tell. The kids loved it and thought he was really neat.

We are just a couple of months away from moving out of our apartment and into a house. We have found the perfect house and we are so excited! We need all the extra room we can get, so when we get moved it will be a huge relief.

Thank goodness Thanksgiving is over, but the wonderful holiday of Christmas is still to come. I am just now starting my Christmas shopping, so that means I still have a ton to do! Oh well, I am sure I will manage like I always do.

An eye for an eye...

"An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." -Ghandi

I heard this quote today and it really made me think. Sometimes, revenge seems like a better solution than forgiveness, but is it really the best way to go? If we spend all of our time trying to plot the perfect revenge on someone, we get so caught up in it, that we are blind to some of the most beautiful, simple moments in our lives. We shouldn't let our lives pass us by, just because someone done us wrong and it caused us great pain and suffering. You have to let go of what's bitter and simply just move on.

This is exactly what I plan to do. I am going to let go of the bitterness I feel towards Autumn's biological father Josh and move on. After Josh walked out on us, I used to blame myself for him not coming to see Autumn, but I've come to realize, that he is the only one who controls his actions and he doesn't come see Autumn by his own choice. It is a conscious decision he makes everyday of his life.

After I made this realization, I became bitter towards Josh. In my mind, I wondered how in the world someone could just give up on their child and choose not to see them or to not pay their child support. That money would go to a better life for Autumn, not to benefit me. On the rare occasion that I did see Josh, I would ask him these questions and he always had some kind of lame excuse. Like he was too busy or he was too fucked up right now to visit Autumn and he was always to poor to pay his child support or help with the tons of credit card debt he left me with, even though he made twice as much as I did in a month. Go figure, right?

Finally, after months of being bitter and trying to understand how someone could just abandon their child, I came to a peace with it. Josh doesn't come see Autumn by his own choice. He doesn't attempt to pay his child support by his own choice. If he isn't willing to step it up and do these things for Autumn his own daughter, then there sure isn't anything I can say that is going to change it. He has to want to be dad. No one can just make him.

I hope one day that Josh realizes his mistakes and sees what he lost. He lost the chance to be a dad to a fantastic little girl, because Autumn has a new daddy now. Martin has stepped into the father figure shoes very well. Autumn calls him daddy and Martin treats her and loves her like she was his own.

Every time I think about this situation, I think of some words of wisdom my cosmetology instructor Mrs. Halmick gave me after Josh walked out on us. She told me, "Don't ever think someone else can't love your child." It was as if she knew that I would meet someone who would love my child just like she was their own. I now have my happy little family.